02/14

I keep you with me, on the bay bridge

lights are sparkling just for you and me, we’re squished together in Tate’s truck, the green Tacoma carrying the green couch the day you held my clammy hands, singing The Rolling Stones

I miss bending over in my little skirt in front of you, the way you’d pull me close

Lust powered by passion powered by love

I’d never been loved like that before, never loved another like that

I can see the glimmer in your eyes, can see the canopy of lashes, the particular way your brows would raise or move ever so slightly, I can see all the things you said in one little glance of mischief and allure and desire and everything else I could never describe to anyone else, the way sex felt like play, like making love, like being so completely and totally with you, there, here, wherever we were, in my red sheets, in your little treehouse room

you said you knew you wanted me right there, the moment we met on the hill, looking into my green eyes, sparkling in the sun.

And still my mind wanders back there, lingering by friends, surrounded by them - lots of wonderful ones - but tonight all I want is you. All I want is to talk to you, to hold your hand, to feel your body near mine. To lay in my bed together again, showing each other all the songs that made us cry when we were teenagers, the cursed ones you found on your rabbit holes, the ones that make us think of each other.

The warmth of our connection permeates everything, and I’m learning to accept memories as simply that, to not act on all the good things, to remember that our friendship does not mean our connection is anything less, now that we can’t kiss like we used to or hold each other or be the only one I want to see at the end of the night.

You’ve always been my friend, you were one of my best. You have always been a friend and a lover, all that I could ever hope for and more - beyond what I’ve ever imagined. Desire confuses my heart, convolutes and clutters, it will take time to learn to love each other no longer as intimate partners. I know that we are lovers still, in a sense. I’m stuck between every cell of my body wanting you, right now, as we are, and wanting to preserve this connection so special. I fear tainting it with expectations of romance we may not be in a position to uphold. It transcends the boundaries I’ve been taught to abide by, between platonic or romantic. With time it will get easier to mourn our closeness as it was, and perhaps someday we will find it again, and perhaps it will look entirely different, for the better. I believe in you so much, believe in us and the universe, I’m learning to believe in myself more too. You helped me cultivate that, and I know the healing force between us couldn’t have been anything else. It couldn’t have gone any other way.

Thank you for the park, thank you for the grass and the mud and not caring if it gets all over our pants because we’ve waited so long to talk. Thank you for letting me hold you, for holding me, for sharing your tears, for letting me share mine. Thank you for your heart, thank you for taking a piece of mine. I haven’t met anyone else more deserving of it. Thank you for holding it with grace, with delicacy, with care. Thank you for trusting me to do the same, thank you for showing me that I could. Thank you for the gift you are, the light you shine wherever you go, thank you for being you.